recognizing and embracing dissonance
high school music theory but for life
In music, you can only hear dissonance — the clashing of harmonies — when you start off with complementary harmonies. To the ear, the clashing comes from two simultaneous frequencies that cannot resolve, thus, creating musical tension. And dissonance comes in many forms — it could be a sudden, uninviting sound like the clang of a dish in the sink or the constant, low-hum of the AC unit in the thick of summer.1
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The other day I found myself hanging out with a trio of friends I don’t normally grab dinner with. Usually in unfamiliar group settings, I like to sit back and take in the existing dynamic to gauge my interest and level of involvement. But to my surprise, I found myself more and more invested in thought-provoking conversations that forced me to take a peek into the more subconscious, inner workings of my mind.2 The initial worry I had about the type of experience I was expecting slowly dissipated over the night as we tackled topics like how the way we perceive time visually in our minds affects the way we remember things and how to reframe the way our minds choose to associate certain emotions with key memories.
I ended that night noticing that a part of me felt so fulfilled and seen being able to candidly talk about how the complex interiority of our minds worked with two friends I barely knew the dating history of. How strange was it that this combination of friends was able to untangle and expand my perspective of life despite not veering into the usual topics of dating and love. It hit me then that there was dissonance between the relationships that I chose to invest in vs. the ones that helped me discover more of my “weird interiority". While I did materialize a form of this feeling in the months prior, I chose not to disrupt the existing, harmonious dynamic I had with the relationships I poured my time into, perhaps out of fear that I would lose stability and have to find new friends. This new, contrasting interaction served as a reminder that when you recognize dissonance somewhere in your life, hold onto it and let it redefine the way you choose to live in harmony. While I’m no longer in the same geographical location as that trio of friends, that night will forever be etched in my memory as a reminder to stay true to what I’m looking for and the relationships I choose to invest in the future.
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Visiting my childhood home and hometown always feels like a giant bear hug. Driving down familiar streets without a GPS, love and support from my family/friends3, and dare I say it — the sweltering, humid Texas heat in the thick of August — everything was familiar and well, and almost too well. Having been used to novel experiences in this exploratory period of my life, this time around the bear hug felt a bit too suffocating. I found myself antsy and craving for dissonance. Something that could challenge my beliefs and dare me to take risks on another level. At the same time, I wondered what life would look like if I retreated to this comforting environment for the next few years of my life? What if I dropped everything and just lived at home? In more ways than one, harmony is beautiful when all is well. We cannot expect dissonance wherever we go. Embrace the harmony when it’s there but keep an ear out for change, always.
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Progress became difficult to measure after leaving my 9-5. Whereas I would check off a list of requirements and measure by quantity of output in the past, now, I maintain a consistent log of efforts, big or small regardless of how much output is produced. But I wasn’t always conducive to this idea. In the beginning, some days would feel like a slog to get through as I read research papers and fell into rabbitholes only to arrive at net zero progress with more confusion about what I was interested in. I didn’t really have a sense of weekdays vs. the weekends and I forced myself to measure my weeks based on how much code I wrote. Without knowing any better, I imposed the same expectations of quantifiable outputs upon this exploratory phase of my life, and when I didn’t meet them, I would spiral into existential thoughts of what I was doing with my life and whether or not, I should just go back to a regular job.
Through writing, I recognized that while I was conditioned to produce consistent updates from my previous job, it wasn’t my preferred style of work. I work best in short bursts of focus time when a conversation inspires an idea or when I happen to connect the dots during a journaling session. And yet, I rejected this dissonant work ethic for a couple of weeks. It didn’t seem sustainable or “right” even though it helped me produce my best work, and I even reverted back to my old ways to try and prove that point. This constant internal battle troubled me for weeks until I recognized and accepted that maybe this is just how I am. Maybe those late night 11:59pm project deadlines in middle school shaped me into a fire that would only spark when the conditions were right and you were on your last brick of coal. Acknowledge the dissonance even when it feels wrong and learn to embrace it.
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I think we chase after harmony too much and too often. Whether it’s a certain lifestyle, validation and acceptance from others, or the perfect partner. But far too much in life is not harmonious. Why not embrace the dissonance and let it sit for a while?
The goal in music isn’t to resolve all harmonies into I, IV, or V chords, it is to offer a wide breath of experiences with both complementary and dissonant harmonies to tell an enriching story.
✨ Note to Reader:
Here are some songs with varying levels of dissonance:
Albeit in music, dissonance is often short-lived
I’m pretty sure half my curiosities about my mind will be solved once I find a therapist. But until then…
Usually in the form of catchup dinners and home cooked meals
To be okay with the uncomfortable and to have a sustainable amount of tension in one’s life such that they are pursuing new ideas and learning constantly is healthy and optimal, but I disagree on the topic of accepting limitations with regard to when you can be productive. Many of the best authors and artists were consistent creators; not necessarily on a 9-5 schedule, but some type of cadence and regular location. I think the mine needs regular prompting and work, like regular exercise for a muscle, and true inspiration will still come in those off hours while your mind is mulling over your work of the day